Monthly Archives: March 2015

Growing Old: A Warning

You’re young and you pray to God it will never happen to you. Like Pete Townsend, you think “hope I die before I get old.” Well, it’s not likely, but it isn’t all that bad. How you look at things changes as you get older.

  • You can blame being a cranky son-of-a-bitch on getting old when, really, you’ve always been a cranky son-of-a-bitch.
  • You lose all your filters and just don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Except for your wife. You will always care about what she thinks because she is far more likely than your offspring to pick your nursing home. Be careful before you bite that hand.
  • You will finally understand that age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill and you won’t hesitate to use the latter, judiciously, of course.
  • That waitress may have bodacious ta-tas and a fine ass that make your loins stir, but she’s got Jell-O between her ears and your loins will soon be napping. Yes, she can ride you all night, but will she ride in the ambulance with you when you have a heart attack? Or will she be willing to wipe your ass when you are too old and feeble to do it yourself. The woman you’ve been married to for fifty years will do it without thinking.
  • Good sex is based on quality, not quantity, but a good night’s sleep trumps any sex every time.
  • You turned into your father when you asked your kids, “What is that crap you’re listening to?” But the music your kids and grandkids listen to really is. Whining coffee house singers pale next to Jagger, Plant, Daltry and Bowie. Aretha Franklin, Gladys Knight, Diana Ross and Grace Slick would eat alive those breathy waifs who sing as if they have chronic lung disease. So would Frank, Dino, Tony, Mel, Nat, Bobby, Sarah, Carmen, Ella and a whole bunch of guys and gals you thought you were too cool for when you were a teenager.
  • You suffer from CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) Syndrome because your brain is a sink with a broken garbage disposal. It’s filled with mostly useless crap that crowds out important stuff like: Why did I come into this room? Where’s my cell phone? Occasionally, flipping the switch stirs the garbage long enough for answers to filters through.
  • You will tell younger people stories they’ve heard several times before, even though you swore you would never do that when you got old.
  • You proudly tell everyone about your colonoscopy and think anyone who’s afraid to get one is a pussy. You really liked your colonoscopy, mostly because they gave you really great drugs and you can’t remember any of it. Kinda like living through the late ‘60s.
  • Everything has been aching for so long that you don’t notice anymore. You have little patience for people under 40 whining about a cold or a stubbed toe and growl, “Suck it up!”
  • You will look back on your youth with amazement and shame, pondering how stupid you were to think you knew everything. You’ll have far more questions than answers and discover the answers are far more elusive.

When you’re young you think you have all the time in the world. Make the most of it because the ticking gets faster and louder. You hit 35; you’ve got a mortgage, a family, and a mountain of debt. Then you blink a couple of times and find yourself on the downside of fifty, sitting on the couch watching TV, wondering what the hell happened to the last 20 years, and thinking, “Golden years,” my ass!